It's not easy being green.

I've worn bamboo undies for a while now.

I saw them in Target one day whilst browsing. They had a little sticker on them saying 'touch me', which I always find irresistable. I generally walk around touching things in Target anyway, but when there's a little sticker... well... all over, Red Rover.

I love my bamboo undies. They... well... feel good. They come in two colours, black or beige, which means I don't have to spend time on unnecessary decisions (Lord knows, I have ENOUGH decisions to make without the colour of my undies getting in the way!) There's limited VPL, they don't hang out the top of my jeans, there's no stupid bows or lacey bits that itch at the worst possible time (like during assembly when giving out certificates in front of five hundred kids... yes, been there!) they don't crawl up my arse though the day and, most of all, they're absorbent. Sometimes, when travelling, we don't take many clothes. So, you know, you have to get used wearing your undies twice. Bamboo's GREAT for that.

Oh go on. Groan then you silk, satin and polyester undie wearers. I work hard OK? I walk a lot for my job, I sit on vinyl and plastic chairs for long periods of time and I sometimes have to stand in the sun. Absorbency. Important.

I used to love cotton. I grew up loving cotton. Actually, much of the surrounding land back home as a Bush Bogan was cotton farming land. AND, as a result, much of that land will be useless before long. Environmental disaster. Pumping irrigation out of rivers, bores that go down through to China, salt table thingies and farmers with a new Pajero each year (although, must admit... when I taught in that part of the world, the end of year Chrissie gifts were really much posher than in Bogan-ville-ea). BUT, don't love cotton as much anymore.

Now, my love affair is with bamboo.

The other day in the staff kitchen... I forget how it came up... but I found myself hoiking my daks out from the waistband of my jeans to show someone:
Me: Yeah! Bamboo! (show part of undies as evidence... as if it would make a difference)
Gen Y colleague: EWWW! Doesn't it scratch?
Me: Nahh!!! Touch it!!! And it's really ABSORBENT.
Gen Y colleague: EWWW!!!! TMI!!!!!
Me: Fine then, your loss. But then, maybe they don't come in sizes for teensy-weensy arses anyway.

I'm obsessed with bamboo now.

We've got bamboo towels that Brad the Tradie bought on Ebay. They're absorbent! Brad the Tradie and I both bought a bamboo shirt in the U.S. in June. They're.... absorbent. And you know, bamboo grows really fast. And that's good for the environment right? I do wonder though whether not buying anything at all would be a bit better than buying heaps of bamboo stuff. But.... wiping myself after a shower is NECESSARY. So are kitchen wipies and socks, especially absorbent ones.

It's not easy being green.

Like, this arve, being Friday, I was trawling the Hippodome with Smurfette of the Outlets. I'd forgotten (again...) to take my own bag into the Hippodome (can't they just REMIND you as you lock your car or something??) so the checkout chick at Target had to pack my bamboo undies into a compostable bag (undie emergency this morning... busy time of year, haven't done the laundry in a bit... no, not even the white jeans from the other day...) I felt really bad about having to use a 'plastic bag' (Ahhh!!!! Evil!!!) so as SOON as I got home I composted the bag STRAIGHT away. How long does it take to compost? Was I suppose to tear it into little pieces? Will the worms in the compost mind? Must ask my VGF Kimmy Earth-mother. She'll know. Will tell her that the bag was only accepted because of emergency and will NEVER forget to take my own bag to Target again. Obviously.

Brad the Tradie was going to make some boxes for me soon out of used wooden pallets that bricks and stuff come on, you know, the kind of little boxes that you could put fruit in. He started doing it a few years ago when we were poor (flogged the pallets from the back of the Vinnies store) and people quite liked them so he makes them every now and then and I give them away for Christmas with mangoes and stuff in them. He told me this morning, as he left for work at 6:30am for the millionth day straight, that he quite frankly does NOT have time to do this anymore and could I please figure out an alternative. And this arve, at Tar-zchay, there they were. Bamboo mini-platters. 20% off. Score! AND good for the environment, right? Especially in Vietnam by the looks of the label. Probably heaps of bamboo there, hey?

I also bought some other non-bamboo, non-compostable crap this arve at Target that I really didn't need. Just a couple of DVD's, some Ferrero's, a Grazia mag... but I chose not to think about the impact of those items, because buying the bamboo stuff cancels them out. Obviously. Like the way me using 'green' kitchen spray cancels out having the air-conditioning on all night at the moment.

Smurfette and I made our way down to carbohydrate land for a bun and that reminded me to swing past the shop that's selling the new Wildaid hair products. The ones that make Kate Hudson's hair so nice and probably make her thin and popular and a great actress too! There's a hair mousse that promises to make my hair not look like crap, because it has volcanic ash in it or something. Which, according to the look of the TV ad, means that rare African animals are protected from bad things. Crap! It's over twenty bucks! I could probably BUY a damn cheetah for that! But, it's good for the environment, so what can you do? Let the cheetahs just DIE?

If there's less bad stuff in green products, then why is saving the environment so expensive?



Although, I must admit, being brought up the heart of CWA land as a Bush Bogan means that I can do some seriously good stuff with bicarb soda, vinegar, lemons and used newspaper. I don't do this often of course, but i COULD. Actually, I keep getting these catalogues (printed with soy ink on recycled paper) trying to sell all sorts of crap made of used newspaper and junk mail. Like... handbags. Fruitbowls. Jewellery. Makes me want to drag out my home-made paper kit! I remember when I was in my teens, a recently converted vegetarian non-leather-wearing whale-saver and my parents refused to put a 'no junk mail' sign on the mailbox. So, in protest, I used to make my own paper out of it with mum's bamix and a bucket of water. I actually got a little creative one Christmas and added beetroot juice to make the paper pink. I think that was the year I also tried to make a long-jump pit in the backyard out of wood shavings. I remember one of my aunts saying a few years later that the beetroot paper was still quite pink, but a little mouldy, and was this normal with home-made paper? Oh, and remember when we used to shrink chip packets in the oven and make them into earrings and pendants? Oh, just THINK of the chip packet wastage these days. All those fruit bowls and handbags waiting to be made. One word babe. GOO-CHI!

And why do they bother offering recycled packaging for aeroplane snacks?

All those mega-squillion gobble-litres of fuel and they wrap the breakfast muffin in recycled cardboard box? I have an airline confession actually. Last time I booked a Virgin Blue flight I didn't click on the carbon offset box. I am a bad, BAD person. Don't tell Kimmy the Earth Mother. Our friendship may end immediately. When Brad the Tradie and I were on the trans-pacific cruise last May I had all this time to contemplate the enviro-evils of the travel industry. I went to a lecture (as you do when stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean) by some enviro-dick whose job was apparently to convince us that our luxury cruise was not harmful to the environment. He showed a generic film, gave out presents and a few brochures. Some of the guests were asleep up the back (or dead... the average age of cruisers WAS 75...) but not I, enviro-gal. I kept asking questions, determined to get him to crack:

Me: Hmmmm, so what about all that food that doesn't get eaten at the buffet? Where does that go?
Enviro-dick: We munch it up and disperse it for sealife to eat.
Me (Hmmm, lucky sealife! Explains all the whale sightings!): Hmmm, then what about all the fuel? The printing? All those wasted photos that stupid photographer keeps taking of the old people dressed up in sequins on formal night? The pool? WHAT ABOUT THAT?
E.D.: Talk is over. Goodbye.
Hmmm, Suspicious.

Being Christmas season and all, I am trying to be enviromentally conscious. There's the Target Vietnamese bamboo mini-platters obviously, but also 'cards that give'. You know, those ones from places like Oxfam that have ducks and stuff on the front. You buy a card, they give a duck to a worthy Sri-Lankan family. Last year I got my mum an Oxfam card with a pile of dung pictured on the front. Apparently in some part of Africa it's important to get donated dung. And mum DID say not to get her any more crap. So I got some for an unfortunate African family instead. The year before we got Brad the Tradie's parents a card with a pig on it. I think the pig went to Bangladesh or similar. Looked quite a cute, healthy pig. Brad the Tradie's parents, Merv & Maureen, quite took to Piggie. They wondered if Piggie would send progress reports like the World Vision sponsor children do. They apparently haven't received one yet, which could a) mean Piggie has been eaten, b) Piggie can't write or c) Piggie is too happy in Bangladesh to fit in the writing of an update to his Aussie foster parents. Either way... socially responsible right?


So, I've been wondering if maybe someone (like Kimmy Earth-Mother or Peter Garrett) should implement a green points system, whereby bamboo-wearing undie people like me are rewarded for being sufficiently green. Kind of like the no-claim bonus on my car insurance. Maybe I could get a free carbon-offset on my next Virgin flight or a can of volcanic ash amplifying mousse. Or chook poo.


Right. Enough blogging. Must go recharge my solar energy pack, turn on the rainwater tank system to quench the thirst of my organic veggie patch and hook up the grey water hose to the washing machine. Then take a nice.... long.... shower.